This is probably going to be the hardest blog to write. Not because I don't want to talk about my postpartum anxiety, but because in order to write about it I have to stare that monster in the face... again.
After Daisy was born I was on such a high. I was head over heels in love with such a beautiful, tiny human. I didn't care about anything else, all I wanted to do was be with my baby 24/7. That amazing high lasted probably around 10 weeks, then slowly I began to realize HOLY HELL this is forever...
Daisy was a planned pregnancy, and the pregnancy was a healthy one. Ben and I read all the books, went to all of the classes (child birth, breastfeeding, CPR, etc). We were as ready as we would ever be... so we thought. I remember hearing in one of the classes that "If you are having thoughts of hurting your child or yourself, call 911". That did it for me. I immediately looked over at Ben and said "Oh my god, what if I want to hurt our baby", he simply replied casually "No you won't, you'll be fine." And that was probably the beginning of my anxiety. But I didn't know it existed, not until later.
If you know me, you know I've always been a glass is half full kind of gal. Well, during this dark period I definitely felt as if the glass had fallen off the table, broke into pieces and spilled all over the floor or at least that's what my emotions felt like. Any new parent can tell you that the first year of having a baby is of course, the hardest. You're not sleeping, and if you are please for the love of God, DON'T TELL ME! You're changing too many diapers to count, you're breastfeeding OR formula feeding and either one that you are doing you feel terribly and have guilt, you have to remember to shower, to eat, to function like a human. So yeah, first year ain't exactly bliss.
I probably have had a little anxiety my whole life, but never to this degree. I mean I've never had a little person relying solely on me to live, so that was quite a change. My postpartum anxiety would come and go. But when it would come it was full of what if's. What if I trip and fall down the stairs and drop Daisy on her head? What if I accidentally hit her soft spot on the corner of this crib, do I want to do that because I just had the thought of doing that? What if I want to do that? Omg, what if, what if, what if... then the what if's stopped and the visions began. My thoughts raced. I'm a very theatrical and imaginary person. I've written horror films for crying out loud! Let's just say that lack of sleep, lack of estrogen (thank you breastfeeding), and lack of confidence as a Mother, made me begin to unravel.
I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. It was super difficult to concentrate, even when Daisy would actually sleep, I had a really hard time sleeping and ended up having insomnia just waiting for her to wake up, my heart had palpitations, the list could go on. There were days where I had thoughts of running away. Just going to a hotel and sleeping there until I felt like me again. But one of the biggest discoveries I would come to find out, is the old me doesn't exist. She never will again, because in place of the old me is a NEW woman who has been through new things.
What's funny is during the beginning of this, I went to my general practitioner to get blood work taken. I thought maybe I was having a thyroid issue. Going to my general Doc was probably the stupidest thing I could have done. She looked at me and said I was talking different. That I was speaking slower than usual. I mean maybe I was but I also had a new baby at home and I was freaking TIRED! She then told me this awful, not inspiring story about a woman she knew who had to go to a mental hospital for year after giving birth because her mind just wasn't there... UM OK THANKS!? I left leaving her office feeling worse then ever. And having a new worry to add to the collection, that I am going to be sent to a mental hospital!
In all honesty, it wasn't until I started going to Therapy where I discovered SO MUCH of what was happening wasn't my fault. But it was happening to me, so of course I constantly blamed myself. So much guilt, so much shame, so much feeling like I couldn't remember who I was. When women give birth, they're not only birthing a baby but they are also birthing themselves. Because they are now Mothers and they are forever changed. With that, some go through career changes, others might have postpartum depression or anxiety, others may just want to be stay at home Moms, whatever the case is it's usually something. For me, I wasn't sure anymore who I was, what I wanted. I thought during pregnancy I would just want to be a stay at home Mom, (I totally respect ALL SAOM's out there because it's the toughest job ever) but for me, it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted, I needed something more. I went back to auditioning for Film and Tv but my drive that I had, just wasn't there. What did this mean? Does this mean I want to give up everything I worked hard for? I had SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
Thank god for my amazing husband, who since day 1 of this journey has been so supportive, I honestly couldn't of gone through this without him. But also thank god for my Therapist. This woman is amazing, and I found her on a website called postpartumprogress.com because of her we found out a lot of things. A few of those things are listed below.
1- Sleep deprivation is a mother f*&^%r Seriously look up side effects, it's no good.
2- Breastfeeding is great, but it also comes with a few negatives to it as well. One of them being it keeps your estrogen low, which makes your body in a post menopausal state.
3- Body is in post menopausal state because of breast feeding, which could be the leading component to why I am having anxiety in the first place. Meaning, my hormones are are ALL OVER THE PLACE.
4- My therapist recommended I get blood work again and get tested for a MTHFR genetic mutation. Turns out I have one of the mutations. No, I'm not cool enough to be apart of the X-MEN (nerd joke for my husband).
I could probably write a list that goes to 50 but I'll stop there. These 4 numbers listed above are HUGE factors to what was causing my postpartum anxiety. Well simple right? Just sleep, stop breastfeeding and then #3 will go back to normal. But my goal was to breastfeed for a year, and who's to say if I stopped breastfeeding I would actually start to feel good? There wasn't an answer to give me that. So I kept on with my goal even if it meant low estrogen, and fluctuating hormones. But what about #4? What does this have to do with postpartum anxiety? There's a lot more information on this that I just can't write about in this post. I'll save that information for another day, but it's good to know if you have it especially if you are having anxiety or depression. Here's a great video that helps explain MTHFR: https://youtu.be/L76PaoGaPx0
It's tough to say what helped me with my Postpartum Anxiety because I did everything I could. I practice Yoga a lot. I even signed up for Yoga Teacher Training because I now want to give back to women who may be suffering like I was. I started doing acupuncture again more regularly and that has definitely helped with my hormones. But I also stopped nursing at 14 months AND started sleeping through the night FINALLY at 13 months. I also began a regimented schedule with taking my vitamins. All of these things I truly believe are key factors to helping me with my anxiety.
Sure, I could have taken a medication and maybe that could have helped me, but sometimes reading about the side effects those seemed worse then what I already was dealing with. There were times I really wanted to, but I also wanted to find out the root cause of this and try to take care of it from there. There are plenty of people who need to take medication and I in NO WAY look at that as failure, or think it's wrong. I think you do what you have to do to survive. I want you to know if you do or did take medication I totally respect you for that. I just knew my reason for this was something I needed to find.
It's been a year and a few weeks since my postpartum anxiety began. And in a weird way I am thankful for it. I'm thankful for having my daughter (obviously), and thankful for this personal journey into more self discovery. My yoga teacher said something that really stuck with me "The moment you're ready to run away is the moment you gain more strength. Because instead of running, you grow." Well, I can tell you I have definitely grown. I have shed new skin. The person that I kept wanting to be again is no longer the person who deserves to be here. The person who deserves to be here is the one who has walked through the fire and even with a little bit of scarring has made it through to the other side and is smiling.
Sure there are days where I feel guilty, or question why did I have to go through that, or compare myself to other Moms out there. But the thing is, we never truly know what others are going through. And if this what I was going through I'm sure there are others out there that are too. It's funny, at the time while going through all of this I kept imagining the Mother I always dreamt I wanted to be. This fun, easy going, hippie, flowery loving Mama and now because of my postpartum, I am becoming that person more then I ever would have if it I didn't go through this.
If you, or someone you know is going through postpartum anxiety, depression please know you are not alone. It's a very common thing for women to go through and it must be talked about more! The more we talk about it the less taboo it'll be. Mental illness has such a stigma in America and it shouldn't. It should be accepted and treated properly. Don't ever feel ashamed, just accept it and find the right help for you. A friend, a therapist, group counseling, yoga, exercise, SLEEP, eating healthy, meditation, acupuncture, vitamins, medication, taking time for yourself! A lot of these things listed can be so beneficial to you.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, after all isn't that all we really want in life? :)
XO,
Renee
Here's me suffering from postpartum anxiety, although you'd never know it. Look how happy I am!
#postpartum #postpartumprogress #postpartumanxiety #anxiety #lifewithbaby #newbeginnings #motherhood #newparent #yoga #healing #selflove #acupuncture #meditation #peacewithin
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